Inviting Teens to Grow
Lately, our practice has been noticing something interesting- kids are getting into less traditional “trouble”, but they’re also less eager to get their driver’s license, find a Summer job, or even go out to hang with friends. What’s going on? For many teens, “doing nothing" has become the new way to rebel. They have endless content and entertainment from their rooms, enough to keep them occupied at a surface level.
Some questions I hear teens ask themselves are pretty telling: “why would I want to move out of the house one day, when everyone complains about how bills are so high?”,“Why would I want to get a job when I hear taxes will take so much of my paycheck?” It makes sense they feel this way. We don’t always make adult-ing sound very exciting. Plus, considering all they have been exposed to in their lifetime, there is the ever-present “What’s the point if so much is out of my control?”
You may have read about “The Anxious Generation”, and psychologists like Jonathan Haidt exploring how overprotection and growing up online have contributed to rising anxiety and depression. So the question is: What now? How do we help teens build confidence and self efficacy? How do we encourage them to be ready to launch when they reach young adulthood? The good news is that teens actually want to create an independent life, even if it feels “cringey” to put themselves out there. Teenagers are waiting to be invited to grow. They’re waiting to be ushered in to contribute to their world, especially if they have struggled with anxiety or depression.
With my High School Girls group, we ended Summer by working on Independence Challenges. I introduced a list of activities they can choose from to further their independence, with points attached so they can compete against each other. No big pep talk needed- just a list. The result was conversation around volunteer opportunities, doctors appointments scheduled independently, new jobs, and a pride in their accomplishments. I was so impressed by the motivation that followed the simple invitation. This is the mental health work that can’t be done just by talking it through.
My big takeaways were to assume teens are capable, and to celebrate the small wins. This generation is more ready than we think.
REFLECTIONS TO CONSIDER:
What does independence mean to me? How did I learn to be independent growing up?
How do I model independence and healthy coping in my own life?
Do I have any fears about my teen having more freedom, or needing less help from me as they get older?
Do I assume competence in my teenager? What messages do I send, explicitly or not, about my belief in their capability?
How do I show my teen that I trust them, and how do I respond when that trust is broken?
Is there anything on the Independence Challenges list my child is ready for? What are one or two expectations I can introduce in my house to help my teen grow?
