Loving Your Child, Even When They're Being... Unlovable

🌟Weekly Inspiration🌟

Here's the real call to parenting, the one nobody puts on a greeting card: How do we love our children when they're being stinkers? When they're uncooperative, defiant, or disrespectful? When they make mistakes that disappoint us? When they protest every single thing we ask of them? When we look at their behavior and genuinely don't like what we're seeing?

These are the moments that test us. The moments when our kid talks back, lies to us, treats their sibling terribly, refuses to do their homework for the tenth time, or melts down over something that seems ridiculously small. These are the moments when we might find ourselves catastrophizing - imagining their future based on this one bad choice, this one difficult phase. If they're like this at eight, what will they be like at sixteen? If they can't handle disappointment now, how will they ever function as an adult?

This is exactly when our kids need us to lean in, not pull away. To slow down instead of react. To love them even more - especially when they're having their most unlovable moments.

I know this is hard. Because here's what I see in my practice: many of us grew up with conditions on love. Maybe spoken, maybe unspoken. I love you when you're good. When you make me proud. When you don't cause problems. And we remember how that felt - the anxiety of trying to earn approval, the shame when we fell short, the fear that we were too much or not enough.

So we're trying to do things differently with our own kids. We're trying to offer unconditional love and positive regard. And it's harder than we thought it would be. Because when our child is being difficult, something gets triggered in us. We worry we're failing them. We worry they're becoming a "bad kid." We worry about what others think. We feel depleted and resentful. And in those moments, staying connected and loving feels nearly impossible.

But here's something important to understand: children who feel securely attached - who truly know they are loved no matter what - often feel the most permission to be stinkers at home with their family. Home is where they can fall apart, test boundaries, show their worst selves. Because they trust that you'll still be there. They trust the love is real.

This doesn't mean we accept the behavior. We still set limits, enforce consequences, and teach them better ways to handle their feelings. But we do it while maintaining the relationship. We separate the behavior from the child. "I love you always. This behavior is not okay." That's the message.

Loving them through the hard moments - the tantrums, the sass, the poor choices - that's when they learn that love isn't conditional on performance. That's when they internalize that they are worthy even when they mess up. And honestly? That's one of the most important lessons we can teach them.

For toddlers, it's loving them through the meltdowns and the "no" phase. For school-age kids, it's staying connected when they're struggling socially or academically, when they're testing every limit you set. For teenagers, it's remaining available even when they're pushing you away, when they're making choices you don't agree with, when they seem to reject everything you value.

At every age, the question is the same: Can I stay present and loving even when my child is difficult? Can I remember that their behavior is communication, not character? Can I be the steady, reliable constant they need - especially when they're struggling?

Ask Yourself:

When my child is being difficult, what am I telling myself about them? About myself as a parent?
Was love conditional in my own family growing up? How did that feel? How might that be influencing how I parent now?
Am I able to separate my child's behavior from their worth - and my worth as a parent?
What helps me stay regulated and connected when my child is having an unlovable moment?
Do my children know - really know - that my love for them doesn't waver based on their behavior?
When I'm most frustrated with my child, what do they actually need from me in that moment?
How can I communicate "I love you always, AND this behavior isn't okay" in ways my child can understand?

Be Well. ❤️