Capable at Five, Capable at Fifteen: Age-Appropriate Expectations

Apr 13

**🌟Weekly Inspiration🌟**

Many parents today aren't even sure what is reasonable to expect of their child, adolescent, or young adult. Parents don't trust themselves like previous generations seemed to. I wish they did ❤️. Parenting has always been challenging,yet the world is loud now, and parents can barely hear themselves think. The world moves quickly now, and parents have a faster pace with less perceived time to instill all the important aspects of childrearing. With all the rushing, overscheduled childhoods, and scarcity fears around getting into college,some kids have no expectations beyond performing well in school, sports, or creative pursuits.

I want you to think bigger than all of this. I'd like you to take a breath and imagine what you hope your child will be functioning like at 18, 25, and 30. Chances are their adult functioning is dependent upon things that you are not preparing them for now. You can only help prepare them for adulthood if there is space to do so. It may require backing off on rigor or overscheduling in other areas.

To give you some ideas, this is not exhaustive, and it doesn't take into consideration if your child is neurodivergent in some way (adjust accordingly, but don't coddle too much, neurodivergent kids are capable too!). Don't fall into the trap of "it's just easier if I do it myself." It creates dependency, and your child needs to learn how to do these things without you. You are trying to work yourself out of a job ❤️.

What should a 5-year-old be able to do?

Tie their shoes
Ride a bike (or scooter)
Make a simple snack
Pick up after themselves
Entertain themselves for a bit
Follow simple multi-step directions
Express their feelings with words (even if imperfectly)

What should a 10-year-old be able to do?

Make their bed and clean their room
Make a simple meal (sandwich, scrambled eggs, toast)
Be home alone for a short period
Know how to call for help if needed
Have some basic chores around the house
Manage their homework independently (with occasional check-ins)
Handle minor conflicts with friends without parent intervention

What should a 15-year-old be able to do?

Manage their own friendships without your involvement—just your consultation if there's a challenge
Advocate for themselves at school, with school counselors, and coaches
Get home on time with a curfew
Do their own laundry
Cook a family dinner on occasion
Date in a way that is aligned with your family values
Apply for a work permit and get a part-time job
Prepare to get their driver's license (unless there's a big concern why they shouldn't)
Manage their own schedule and commitments
Problem-solve before asking for help

What should a 20-year-old be able to do?

Work or attend school/trade school
Take care of their basic needs—manage sleep, nutrition, movement, mental health
Manage friendships and dating—check in with you for consultation, not permission
Manage money (budgeting, saving, paying bills)
Take on tasks to benefit the family at times
Manage disappointments (breakups, not getting the job) and demonstrate resilience
Make and attend their own appointments (doctor, dentist, etc.)
Navigate conflict and difficult conversations
Live independently or contribute meaningfully to a shared household

Ask Yourself:

How can I lean into my parental intuition more and follow it?
What do I see as my primary functions as a parent?
Do I create dependency? Why?
Am I sad about my children getting older and not needing me as much?
Do I treat them as capable as they actually are?
Could I set a few clear, consistent expectations and follow through, even when it's inconvenient?
What expectations am I avoiding because "it's easier if I just do it myself”

Be Well. ❤️